Issa Break-Up!

“This is not working for me; I think we should part ways, the sooner the better, before we start hating each and this becomes more toxic than it is right now” Jason uttered these words with no hint of empathy. His tone was so harsh and for a hot minute, I could not recognize the guy anymore. He was not the sweet boy I fell in love with a year ago.  

We were sitting at the Food court at Sarit center. I looked at the ceiling to hold the tears that were threatening to gush out of my eyes. My heart was beating a bit faster. This guy took me out on a date to break up with me. He was so cold, icy, heartless…this is not what I signed up for when I accepted to go on this date. Come to think about it, I did not know what I was doing sitting there. After weeks and even months of the patterns of his behavior, I should have gotten the cue to just move on. To accept that that, whatever it was, was not going anywhere. But I was a naïve girl, green on matters of love & relationships, a hopeless romantic who believed that we would work through the bumpy hill that we were going through. I got the idea that we are on the same page, but I was very much wrong.  

“Okay, so that’s just it? Are you dating your ex? What does this mean? Why now? Do you even like me? So…”  I ambushed him with what was going on my mind - confusion, and a bit of pain, just a little bit. I was about to be vulnerable to him, but I stopped myself in remembrance of who I am. I was a baddie and just because this beautiful human with perfect beards and eyebrows was done with me, that did not mean I was worthless as I felt. I gave myself that pep talk, but my brain could not even grasp it. It led me to think how unworthy of love I was, he had given up on me. I understand I could not give him what he wanted there and then, - a child, but with a little patience, he could get it, so was I not worth the ‘wait’. My brain was not helping, as so was my feelings.  

I tried to speak, but I was not even coherent. I was so heartbroken to communicate effectively. “You know what, It’s fine. I wish you and your EX… or is it your girlfriend a happy life! Cheers!” I took my bag and dashed out as fast as I can. I did not even care if he had enough money to pay for the coffee we just had. I left there intending to never speak or meet him again. I got a matatu outside the mall on stage and went home. I remember I could not sleep well that night. I blocked his number, not social media though. I went and stalked his EX on social media, she seemed nice, like good girl nice, “this guy chose a nice girl and left a baddie like me … Lol anyway, not everyone has good taste” I had to be petty and hate.  

Anyway, I was also smart enough to know that the babe was not the enemy here. No one was an enemy, really. What the breakup meant was my experience with the guy had come to an end, it was beautiful while it lasted, most part if I may say so. Now I do not know what the future holds, but what I know now is that one year later, I am glad that I have successfully moved on, and I am over him. I am happy that when I see his post on Instagram or Twitter, I do not have a lump on my throat, that when for some reason when I bump into his ex’s social media, I do not burn up with jealousy. And boy, Isn’t jealousy an intense and useless emotion. I highly do not recommend it. It is just too much. I have learnt that you can move on without closure, especially if your conscience is right, when you are not guilty of being a wicked person to the other party. I have learnt that you can be cordial with your EX, please note I have said cordial, not being friends, especially on the immediate dates of the break-up.  

To anyone going through any break-up, all the best. Secondly, with intentionality in whatever you do, you will come out of this stronger, better than you think. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Regarding the people that are no longer in our lives, but we still love, like or even appreciate them for the impact that they had in our life at one point, I believe in loving people at a distance. It works and will continue to work.  

Stay safe kids!  

Yours, 

Stacy